How am I going to die?
It’s a macabre question, but it is one we have all asked ourselves at some point. You may have asked the question as you gazed up at the boundless abyss of space, trying to make sense of it all. All of those stars up in the infinite void may actually provide some insight into your own end: how you are going to die based on your zodiac sign is written in the (already dead) stars.
You already know how you would fare in a zombie apocalypse, but what if you don’t live to see the downfall of civilization via Patient Zero and walking corpses? These zodiac death predictions can give you a little more clarity on how you’re going to bite the dust. Each sign has different qualities that lend themselves to a myriad of mishaps that can easily lead to an untimely death. The trick is to learn these causes of death by zodiac so you can be ever vigilant against the long, cold fingers of the Grim Reaper.
Aries: Decapitated While Attempting To Reenact The Van Surfing Scene From ‘Teen Wolf’
Aries (March 21 – April 19) is known for being willful, stubborn, and reckless. When you spend all of your free time doing things that other people tell you that you can’t, you’re bound to get into trouble.
One night, after a few drinks, someone will mention how cool it would be if you could actually van surf like Michael J. Fox’s Scott Howard in Teen Wolf. After a brief argument about the physics of the whole thing, someone throws out the word “dare” and Aries is off and running.
Alas, the Aries runs into a low overpass with their face, making it the last time they’ll lose their head.
Taurus: Trampled By A Crowd Of Black Friday Shoppers While Trying To Save Money
Tauruses (April 20 – May 20) hate wasting money but still want to get the best quality for the cash they do choose to spend.
After several days of careful consideration, price comparisons, and planning, Taurus has mapped out the best Black Friday deals available. They have their list, their stomach full of last night’s dinner, and a game plan for exerting the least amount of effort while still gathering all of the things they hope to purchase.
Once at the first store, the doors open and the crowd begins to surge, prompting Taurus to choose the worst possible time to pitch a hissy fit about being rushed. Taurus only has time to stamp their foot once before a cavalcade of glassy-eyed bargain hunters knock them to the ground.Needless to say, the funeral will have a closed casket.
Gemini: Literally Stabbed In The Back After Metaphorically Stabbing A Friend In The Back
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) is the twin sign, giving them traits that often seem at odds with one another. For instance, Gemini hates judgmental people, but they can’t help themselves when there is gossip to be spread.
Charming and able to fascinate prospective pals, Gemini will one day befriend the wrong person. After an adventurous night of bar-hopping and meeting new people, Gemini will start to feel chatty. Distracted by the whirlwind of activity and the invincible feeling of .21 BAC, they’ll forget that the friend they’re talking smack about is right behind them.
Drinking and tempers don’t mix, leaving Gemini feeling the sting of regret as they fall to the ground, knife firmly in their back.
Cancer: Inhaling Toxic Fumes From Clearance Art Paints
A lover of art, Cancer (June 21 – July 22) adores visiting museums or creating their own work at home. Whether it is a gift for a loved one or just a release after a stressful day of nurturing others, Cancer needs a little time to isolate themselves and decompress with creativity.
At the same time, Cancer hates spending money on themselves. They’d prefer to use it to make a lovely dinner for their friends, throw a nice party for their kid, or just surprise their significant other with a gift. They did get these paints on clearance at the Dollar Store though, and they are going to do their best with them.
Not thinking to crack a window when working with such a small amount of paint, Cancer eventually passes out from the fumes slowly filling their isolated workspace. It turns out the Dollar Store doesn’t always get recalled products off their shelves before bargain hunters snatch them up.
Leo: Hit By A Bus While Flouncing Away After Being Ignored By A Friend
Oh Leo (July 23 – August 22), your courage and kindness can sometimes be overshadowed by your flair for drama and aggressive interactions. Leos revel in compliments, attention, winning, and more attention. It can be difficult to keep up with their demands, so sometimes their friends fall a little short of expectations.
After having a selfie-filled lunch with five of their closest BFFs, Leo is devastated when a conversation on the sidewalk turns away from them and toward someone else. After two jealous snipes as a means of changing the group’s focus back to them, Leo will decide a good, old-fashioned flounce is in order. Looking before leaping isn’t Leo’s strong suit, and the 2 o’clock bus downtown is always on time.
Virgo: Drops Dead On Day Four Of A Week Of Double Shifts
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) takes the term “workaholic” to a whole new level. Hardworking, dedicated, and overly helpful, Virgo does most things in hopes of being referred to as a hero. They will always offer help where it is needed – even if they’re already overwhelmed.
After some coworkers quit, Virgo will volunteer to work an entire week of 16-hour days. They will work through lunches, decline all offers of assistance, and completely destroy themselves in pursuit of a pat on the back and a job well done.
On day four of their week from hell, after two days of subsisting on handfuls of gummy bears and gulps of energy drinks, Virgo will collapse, never to get up again.
Libra: Taking Too Much Time To Answer The Question “Your Money Or Your Life?”
A Libra (September 23 – October 22) will look at all sides of a story and weigh their compatibility with fairness before choosing their allegiance. The same is true for most choices put to the Libra, making them indecisive. The very worst thing a person can do is pressure them to make a choice, as a Libra will see it as bullying and take even longer.
After a night of French food and loud bands, Libra will be approached by a mugger with a gun. Due to their indecision after being repeatedly urged to choose “Your money or your life,” Libra will bleed out on a sidewalk while pondering whether the thief even appreciates the exquisite color and clarity of the diamond in the ring they just took.
Scorpio: Death By Taser In An Unfortunate Stalking Incident
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) seems calm and collected, but deep down they’re obsessive, passionate, and a bit vengeful. They’re more than happy to take your secrets to the grave, expecting the same in return – that is, if you can get any information out of a Scorpio.
After a rather emotional and devastating breakup, the passion Scorpio once had for their former flame turns into obsession. They begin to secretly track their ex, taking note of times, locations, and other patterns they see.
One night, taking their love of danger a bit too far, Scorpio is spotted by their target. Panicking, the former lover uses their taser on their stalker, exacerbating a heart arrhythmia and killing Scorpio where they stand.
Sagittarius: Taken Out By A Shadow Cabal For Conspiracies Posted Online
Enthusiastically embracing the freedom and supposed anonymity of the internet, Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) takes to cyberspace with some new theories about an allegedly murderous cabal.
Recklessly rambling in various forums, arguing with anyone that tries to stifle them, and daring the target of their conspiracies to take action fill the days of Sagittarius. The more anyone tries to convince the archer they cannot keep doing what they’re doing, the more Sagittarius confidently spews their suspicions.
If only Sagittarius understood things like “IP addresses” and “the dark web.” Sagittarius’s fire has been extinguished, as they now swim with the fishes.
Capricorn: Poisoned By Their Children After One Too Many “Well, Actually” Conversations
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) works hard to provide for their family, even if none of them are living up to their potentials. After a long, hard day of disciplined, responsible work in an attempt to prepare for any unforeseen layoffs, Capricorn likes to come home to their family and let them know what they’re doing wrong.
The children should be used to Capricorn’s brutal honesty and self-proclaimed expertise about every topic that has ever or will ever exist, but it’s starting to get old. After a night of being reminded of past mistakes, being corrected on the proper way to plate spaghetti, and a discussion peppered with “well, actually…” the kids snap.
Capricorn could not have prepared for their slow, undetectable poisoning at the hands of their offspring. Well, actually, they could have.
Aquarius: Hiking Alone In A Dense Forest Without Cell Reception
The Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) loves being around other people but clings to their independence. They can talk for hours about sports or their passions, but they forget to tell people where they’re going or what time to expect them.
After thinking they’ve told their loved ones about a solitary hike through dense forest, Aquarius sets off for a day of adventure and recharging their battery. Speaking of batteries, the one in their cell phone is fading fast because it keeps trying to find a signal.
After determining not to divert from their original plans or path, Aquarius will be found days later in the forest, dead. A witness comes forward who actually met Aquarius in the woods and offered them assistance, but they have shooed away and told, “I don’t need anyone to do me favors!”
Pisces: Movie Theater Fire
Reality is a crush of harsh feelings that Pisces (February 19 – March 20) would prefer not to ever have to experience again. The world is full of prospective dangers and people who only want to take advantage of the Water sign. Burying themselves in artistic endeavors or fluffy blankets is the only plan Pisces can come up with to cope, and they think it’s working out okay.
On a rare “good day,” Pisces decides to head to their mecca: the movie theater. The movie is old and the theater is older, but that’s the way Pisces likes it. As the opening lines of a cult classic are spoken, a grease fire starts in the antique popcorn machine, quickly spreading on the threadbare carpet. As the smoke begins to billow and the flames begin to lick, Pisces will quietly whisper to themselves, “This next scene – it’s the best part.”